Leaning In

My current situation: juggling my laptop on my lap while my 4-month old baby sleeps on my chest. I feel like this moment has defined the last 4 months for me. Juggling motherhood and yet still being (or trying to be) my own person. My time is now managed, and dictated, by a small boy with very little hair and a big attitude (and the brightest eyes and sweetest smile. Shall I go on?).

I knew my life would drastically change after becoming a mom. The first few days are a whirlwind. Welcoming family into the hospital room to meet this new person; you’re running on pure adrenaline and no sleep. You’re on cloud nine. And then real life sets in when you get home. Suddenly your time is not your own, and neither is your body. I was always (and still am) anxiously awaiting my next nap, bathroom break, shower, etc… Your sole focus, and job, is to keep this little human happy, healthy, fed and clean.

It can be easy to lose yourself in this stage of life. Your baby is young and still needs so much time and attention. I checked out a book from the library and realized I still need to get through the first chapter (it’s due in a couple days).

But while it can be frustrating looking at all the things I need to do around the house and not being able to do them, I’m trying to lean in. I’m trying to lean in to these moments. I don’t want to forget the way his hands move while he’s nursing, always looking for something to grab. I don’t want to forget the way his skin feels, the softest skin I ever felt. I don’t want to forget the way he studies the pictures on our refrigerator, looking at the faces of his cousins and mom and dad. I don’t want to forget the way his entire body lights up when someone he knows walks into the room.

I know in the near future I’ll be able to get those house projects finished. I know my husband and I will be able to go out on a date night alone. I know my baby will start needing me less and less (it will come all too soon I’m sure). So for now, we sit. He sleeps and I type.